A Craving For Everything We See

Nothing fulfills.

My mind has gone to men. I have realized my mind puts men into a box of where they COULD meet my needs without them knowing I have a crush on them. Why I did this to myself? I don’t know. I realize now who I am and who I am meant to be is far more greater than having my mind be filled with fantasies with a man. My interdependence is greater with The One who created me.

My mind has gone to food. I’ve realized food doesn’t meet my emotional needs. Food itself won’t react to you the way you react to yourself. I’ve realized it the hard way. Knowing I have quite a few food sensitivities, it puts me more into a positive mindset of how I react to the foods that will benefit me in the end. I realize now food won’t save me from being upset; there’s a man who knows I am upset and He wants me to run to him when I am emotional.

My mind has gone to alcohol. Again, I used this as an emotional crutch. I was sick with myself that I used it to get over a boy. It took me awhile to forgive myself, but I did. With the healing I had several months after it, I really felt the Spirit saying, ‘Forgiveness has been here. You are not far from grace. You have never been.’ I realize now alcohol is a tool that makes you do things that you’ll live with for the rest of your life. It’s not worth it.

My mind has gone to friendships. I’ve realized I was codependent in some relationships. After last year, I didn’t know who I was. I now know what the Lord meant last November when he said, ‘I’m starting you from the ground up’ – knowing who I am as a person through the Lord’s perspective and who I am in my humanness. I’ve realized codependency is not being faithful to myself but to the other person who I relied on more to make me who I am. My mind and heart fully knows I will forever be still in the image of God.

Nothing Fulfills.

But Jesus Does.

“We are glorifying God when our satisfaction is Jesus alone. We never heard [this] concept before, because to us it was we have to read our Bible to glorify God [or] we have to pray to make him happy. No. When we are satisfied in him all those things will happen and he is happy with us. He is most glorified when we are [happy in him], which is crazy.” – S.O.

Green Walls

The color green on a wall can be either ugly or pretty. Depending on the type of green, it can make you feel icky or calm. What if you were stuck in 4 walls of green that made you feel disconnected and irritated?

Here is a poem from when I was in high school when I was really struggling and trying to survive those times. It’s called Shut Doors:

I want to live behind a gated house

All alone, I wish I could be eaten alive by black bears

Even if there bites hurt me, I would not care

I feel alone but I know I’m not alone because of God

But I just feel like there is no hope.

My life depends on it.

I wish there was a bliss

In this life, I have wished to know if I die early

If it was sudden and too much suffering, would anyone care for me?

All alone, I sit in a room with green walls

I feel sick right now looking at them

The plunger in the corner was calling my name saying I wanna suck your life away

Black, white, and green

The staples staple me

My book has ended

My legacy leads on forever

Hopefully, my family and friends will remember me forever together. ///

The next time I would be in the confined green bathroom would be a few years later (Dec. 2016) during an anxiety attack. I was feeling the same thing: alone in the dark trying to calm myself with slow breaths and trying not to throw up again from my attack. I was in a corner trying to release the pressure from my chest and my head. My head was racing and my heart trying to get out of my chest. It was a literal battle between my heart and head trying to decide which one should calm down first. I probably spent a good 20-30 minutes feeling like myself again, if I could. ///

Now in 2020, I found myself sitting in that same bathroom in my parents house with my cat. It was his first time being away from the apartment in Franklin since I adopted him. He laid in the bathtub trying not to be anxious himself. Trying to calm him, I felt a nudge from the Lord looking at the scene that was around me. He did the same thing for me twice in the same room. With joyous tears, the realization of my healing throughout 5+ years is tremendous. I was the sheep out of the pin trying to find my way home. Now the color green has a whole new meaning: reassurance. Reassurance that everything will be okay. It’s okay to not be okay. Everything is a phase. Green is ongoing color in every season. Nothing is a waste of time.

Love,

Sarah

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.””
‭‭Joshua‬ ‭1:9‬ ‭ESV

Should’ve, Could’ve, Would’ve Land

I have expressed my emotions and feelings in all sorts of ways in this blog for the past (almost) 2 years. I have shared my doubts, faithlessness, feelings of humanity, and spirituality. I have learned in the past two years that I have the right to feel what I feel; it has opened my eyes to see my feelings come to life and look at it so I can work with them to make me a better person. I could have dealt better with some feelings and encounters I have had with people, but I don’t regret doing it. I have learned from it. I am not sorry for feeling the way I have felt. I should have dealt with situations better, but Jesus makes me realize I fall short. He all makes us realize that we could have done better, but it happened for a reason. Despite what I humanly feel, I won’t dismiss it, because it is a real feeling, so I should address it in a spiritual and practical manner. We wouldn’t be in the place we are right now. I would not be in the place where I am right now.

I would’ve been better at tumbling, soccer, cheerleading, and gymnastics if I had practiced enough when I was younger. I would’ve been better at piano lessons if I practiced enough. I would’ve been better mentally and emotionally in high school if I dealt with my emotions in a better way. But I didn’t.

I should’ve been better with my grades if I studied more and made a better commitment to my college goals. I should’ve been better with my sleeping habits if I got 8-9 hours a sleep a night in college. I should’ve been better with my eating habits in college if I wasn’t so concerned with the way I looked and felt about myself. But I didn’t.

I could’ve been better at handling my emotions in disputes with relationships. I could’ve been a better friend if I wasn’t so mentally trapped with issues with my mental health. I could’ve been a better girlfriend if I wasn’t so caught up in my selfishness and tenacity to what I thought would last a long time. But I didn’t.

Since I have changed home churches, I have no regrets changing from my last one. Being at my new home church, Jesus has taught me that being in a should’ve, would’ve, could’ve land is okay, but I shouldn’t dwell in it. I loved my old church but the Lord was telling me to move on and grow somewhere else. Where I dwell, I will grow – in a church and in my future.

Some things you can’t help, but the outcome surely does change your perspective. We fall short of His glory, but His mercies are new every morning.

“the righteousness of God through faith in Jesus Christ for all who believe. For there is no distinction: for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, whom God put forward as a propitiation by his blood, to be received by faith. This was to show God’s righteousness, because in his divine forbearance he had passed over former sins. It was to show his righteousness at the present time, so that he might be just and the justifier of the one who has faith in Jesus.”

Romans 3:22-26

Love,

Annie

Wander To Wonder

For some people who have graduated from college, they get a job that satisfies their need until that wonderful job comes along. For other college graduates, some of us move back home and try to find a job but nothing seems to fall into place. According to Globalnation.inquirer.net, 1 out of every 5 college graduates live with their parents and 16% of those graduates do not have a job when getting out of college. These numbers also equal to those graduates who will have post-college depression. When I was graduating, I was so excited to graduate from the place that brought me joy but also setbacks. I remember on graduation day, I was leaving with tears in my eyes not wanting to leave but also wanting to get out of that place and never going back. 

Once I got home, I got into this state that I didn’t realize at first. I was applying for jobs but not really excited about most of them. I barely ate anything and got out of bed. I didn’t go outside much; if I did, it was only once a week. 

One day – June 14 – God smacked me in the face. Really really hard with reality. I was having a quiet quality time with Him, and He made come across the story of Elijah’s escape to a cave from Ahab and Queen Jezebel since Queen Jezebel threatened his life. (1 Kings 19:9-18). Once Elijah realized that they would never see his GOD as the real GOD, he ran out towards to Mount Horeb to comtemplate suicide. He was so broken with despair and sadness that brought him into depression to this point in his life. God clearly spoke into his heart about his thoughts and future actions in verses 11-12. 

What I love about this story is how it reflects my past. God spoke to me so many times about my past thoughts and actions. And He clearly sought me out on June 14. After reading the passage, a felt a literal smack to the face from God saying ‘Wake up from this slumber! There is no reason why you should be in this funk. Yes, things are going to be different, but you are the one who is going to live a life that you can’t predict. You have wandered away for 40 days like Elijah, Come back to me.’ 

And then came the waterworks. Every time that God makes me realize that I have wandered away for a short time, I break. Once I’m broken, I realize all the broken pieces inside me. And I had more than I realized: from past hurts at the end of high school and moments in college. That season was a season of wandering from wondering to Him and realizing all the toxic parts of me. He left me studying Philippians for everlasting joy, studying all my experiences with feeling less than, hurt, and rejection with “Uninvited” by Lysa TerKeurst, and seeing that I am a part of something bigger so I can go into ministry with another book. 

Everything that I have observed about myself in this season is I am holding myself back from what I can truly be whether it is mentally or physically. I am the only one who can cultivate who I can become. Wandering can be a bad thing, but it can also be a blessing. It makes you realize how stuck you really are. Wondering into God’s heart is a glorious thing. Wondering into His heart I believe is what intimacy is defined as. 

I don’t have to wander too far to hear God. Once I come to a place to wonder in His peace and steadfastness, there is nothing that I want more. 

And oh yea, I finally a got a job! God is so freakin good! 

Post-College Depression Link: http://globalnation.inquirer.net/108037/many-new-college-graduates-in-us-suffer-from-depression 

photo: https://www.allthingsjeep.com/lif-10001wsansnr.html

Attacking the Desperate

Satan attacks very easily where God is so, so, so powerful. On July 19 at camp, he attacked every one of us as komos. He did not want us to go anywhere. His playground was the kitchen messing with our minds. One thing was happening after another. But as faithful, dearing coworkers and friends, we stood in a circle and prayed for our sisters in Christ. That was one of the most powerful prayers I’ve heard in a very long time. Four of us, including myself, starting crying because of how the Lord Jesus is so, so sovereign and how His love he has for us is so severely deep.

But the number one thing that is constant on my mind is how cruel Satan is when we are the most desperate for God. In the past (almost) 4 months, the Lord has been calling me closer and closer to him. I have shared in a previous blog about intimacy with Him. Jesus and I have had deep conversations, shared food, picked out presents for people, gone grocery shopping, and made life decisions together. But Satan keeps throwing things in my face about my past in my face. Mainly, it has been about my previous relationship. I don’t know why it has come up in my mind, but all I know is I do not like it all. I have other things to worry about. I’m past everything that I’ve dealt with in the past year and a half.

The reason why I share this and other things about my life is to say that it relieves stress for me. The verse I share in my sidebar has been a rock for me since it is the foundation of knowing I do not have to be okay. I do not have to have it all together every single moment of the day. I do not have to put a façade like I did in high school. This is the real me. Writing about what is on my heart has been hard but has been so worth it.

Love,

Annie