A Craving For Everything We See

Nothing fulfills.

My mind has gone to men. I have realized my mind puts men into a box of where they COULD meet my needs without them knowing I have a crush on them. Why I did this to myself? I don’t know. I realize now who I am and who I am meant to be is far more greater than having my mind be filled with fantasies with a man. My interdependence is greater with The One who created me.

My mind has gone to food. I’ve realized food doesn’t meet my emotional needs. Food itself won’t react to you the way you react to yourself. I’ve realized it the hard way. Knowing I have quite a few food sensitivities, it puts me more into a positive mindset of how I react to the foods that will benefit me in the end. I realize now food won’t save me from being upset; there’s a man who knows I am upset and He wants me to run to him when I am emotional.

My mind has gone to alcohol. Again, I used this as an emotional crutch. I was sick with myself that I used it to get over a boy. It took me awhile to forgive myself, but I did. With the healing I had several months after it, I really felt the Spirit saying, ‘Forgiveness has been here. You are not far from grace. You have never been.’ I realize now alcohol is a tool that makes you do things that you’ll live with for the rest of your life. It’s not worth it.

My mind has gone to friendships. I’ve realized I was codependent in some relationships. After last year, I didn’t know who I was. I now know what the Lord meant last November when he said, ‘I’m starting you from the ground up’ – knowing who I am as a person through the Lord’s perspective and who I am in my humanness. I’ve realized codependency is not being faithful to myself but to the other person who I relied on more to make me who I am. My mind and heart fully knows I will forever be still in the image of God.

Nothing Fulfills.

But Jesus Does.

“We are glorifying God when our satisfaction is Jesus alone. We never heard [this] concept before, because to us it was we have to read our Bible to glorify God [or] we have to pray to make him happy. No. When we are satisfied in him all those things will happen and he is happy with us. He is most glorified when we are [happy in him], which is crazy.” – S.O.

Trying Times [It’s Not What You Think]

2020:

HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa

A Big LOL

But you know what, I’ve tried to accomplish those new year’s resolutions I had for myself in the beginning

I’ve tried to get outside my comfort zone and narrow mindset.

I’ve tried to find the joy in the mundane and crappy days.

I’ve tried to end the year with clarity.

I’ve tried to be a good daughter.

I’ve tried to be a good aunt, cousin, and niece.

I’ve tried to be a good friend.

I’ve tried to be a good teacher to my own heart.

I’ve tried to realize my toxic traits and to work through them.

I’ve tried to realize the hurt I have and to really sit in it and to be present with it.

I’ve tried to realize the healing I still need so my hurt doesn’t project onto my future platonic and romantic relationships.

My wound is probably not my fault, but my healing is my responsibility.

And you know what, I won’t try and let myself build so much shame and self-hatred inside myself that I don’t even recognize myself anymore.

I won’t try and let my personality morph into another to “fit in” and not become unique because that is not the way my Heavenly Father made me to be.

I won’t even freaking try to live up to people’s expectations of me. It is not my responsibility to sit on this pedestal that people place in front of me. It’s their fault for putting it there.

I’m not gonna sit on it to please people.

I will try and let myself feel all the feels of anger, frustration, melancholy, uncertainty, or just whatever I’m feeling.

I will let the Holy Spirit teach my heart to listen to it more and lead me to the higher road that is higher than I.

I will let the Lord Father build intimacy and trust with me so I can better the intimacy and trust I have with people.

This intimacy I have with Jesus does not promise that any of my circumstances will change.

Intimacy with Jesus doesn’t promise all my problems are solved without my constant effort.

Intimacy with Jesus doesn’t promise things will be easy.

That’s what makes 2020 unique: I have learned to be more uncomfortable with the uncomfortableness and silence so Jesus and I can build the sexual intimacy in our relationship. I pray that it has been the same for you. I pray for anyone who has had a tough year and that you have deepened your relationship with Jesus.

(Shout Out) Thank the Lord for the program I put myself through: Alive and Free Life Consulting. It’s amazing! I have never felt more free about myself, my story, and for the increased awareness in my emotional health. If you are interested in bettering your emotional health (working through your triggers, breaking up with shame and self-hatred, etc.), I will link their YouTube Channel below.

Love You All,

Sarah

Alive and Free’s YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCqOg6gee0HMIYnoC6mXY1gg

Green Walls

The color green on a wall can be either ugly or pretty. Depending on the type of green, it can make you feel icky or calm. What if you were stuck in 4 walls of green that made you feel disconnected and irritated?

Here is a poem from when I was in high school when I was really struggling and trying to survive those times. It’s called Shut Doors:

I want to live behind a gated house

All alone, I wish I could be eaten alive by black bears

Even if there bites hurt me, I would not care

I feel alone but I know I’m not alone because of God

But I just feel like there is no hope.

My life depends on it.

I wish there was a bliss

In this life, I have wished to know if I die early

If it was sudden and too much suffering, would anyone care for me?

All alone, I sit in a room with green walls

I feel sick right now looking at them

The plunger in the corner was calling my name saying I wanna suck your life away

Black, white, and green

The staples staple me

My book has ended

My legacy leads on forever

Hopefully, my family and friends will remember me forever together. ///

The next time I would be in the confined green bathroom would be a few years later (Dec. 2016) during an anxiety attack. I was feeling the same thing: alone in the dark trying to calm myself with slow breaths and trying not to throw up again from my attack. I was in a corner trying to release the pressure from my chest and my head. My head was racing and my heart trying to get out of my chest. It was a literal battle between my heart and head trying to decide which one should calm down first. I probably spent a good 20-30 minutes feeling like myself again, if I could. ///

Now in 2020, I found myself sitting in that same bathroom in my parents house with my cat. It was his first time being away from the apartment in Franklin since I adopted him. He laid in the bathtub trying not to be anxious himself. Trying to calm him, I felt a nudge from the Lord looking at the scene that was around me. He did the same thing for me twice in the same room. With joyous tears, the realization of my healing throughout 5+ years is tremendous. I was the sheep out of the pin trying to find my way home. Now the color green has a whole new meaning: reassurance. Reassurance that everything will be okay. It’s okay to not be okay. Everything is a phase. Green is ongoing color in every season. Nothing is a waste of time.

Love,

Sarah

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.””
‭‭Joshua‬ ‭1:9‬ ‭ESV

Chasing Dreams That Have Died AND That Are Alive

It’s been a little over a year since I last sang on a stage in front of about 70 people. It’s been strange for a full year of not trying to impress people with the one thing that defined my whole life. It’s been strange that people are not coming up to me saying “You were wonderful,” “You were so good,” “You have a beautiful singing voice,” etc. It’s been strange to feel part of the crowd. To be in the crowd means that I don’t have the spotlight on me half the time. My life was the limelight.

I remember my junior year in college someone jokingly telling me that someone else didn’t want me back onstage. I was upset least to say. As of today, it was the first ‘sign’ that the Lord was showing me to step away from the stage. Of course, I didn’t listen. I kept on leading worship, but I knew deep down inside my gut something was wrong with the way I was leading worship. My stubbornness/pride got in the way of what I needed to see inside myself.

I am reminded of the story in Acts 5: 1-11. Ananias and Sapphira had given to the church, but they had pretended to give all that they had to the apostles. They had given into their pride and kept some of the property for themselves. Instead of being obedient, they both dwelt in their pride and died because of their sin.  Because of their sin, we can learn that pride can ruin intentions and He is the one who judges and He is holy. If we take our sin more seriously, the more you will be like Him and our hearts will be filled and connected more with the Holy Spirit.

Even though I had genuine encounters with the Lord on stage, my intentions were not the best for me to be on there. With my mental health not still being great, school problems rising that were impacting me financially, and relationships going awry, all I wanted was to feel better from the rush of being on stage and the compliments that people would give me. Sometimes, I couldn’t talk to anyone after the weekly worship was over. I was a total wreck. Jesus saw that I was a total wreck and broke my heart in January 2018 to tell me about having the break from the stage.

It’s been hard but great. A friend recently asked me if I was ever going to pursue some kind of music career after my 5-year break. I told her no and honestly, I don’t miss being on stage. I don’t miss rehearsals and the sometimes annoying people on stage. I don’t miss late night rehearsals and the tiredness in my voice. I don’t miss pretending to being something I’m not.

I didn’t know who I was after I left. I didn’t know who I was after leaving social media. I didn’t know who I was after God told me I was still going to be single for the next few years. I’ve had to rediscover myself. Since October 2018, I’ve had to relearn who I am without those things that I have defined most of my life. Even though my little girl dream of being a singer-songwriter in Nashville has died, new dreams have arose that I defiantly want to pursue for the rest of my life.

I’ve discovered my dreams within my calling of deeply helping people. My dream is to move to Nashville. My dream is to be a writer/author. My dream is to write for SheReadsTruth or some Christian nonprofit for writers someday. My dream is to go to seminary in North Carolina to get my Masters in Biblical Counseling and Women’s Ministry. Go Big or Go Home, right? Dreams are beginning to thrive, and hopefully, life is just beginning somewhere anew.

As of April 2019, my dreams of moving to Nashville is coming true. My dream of deeply helping people is coming true. I’m seeing the first part of the puzzle where God wants me.

If we say we are His, we must follow the example of Christ.

1 John 2:6

Love,

Annie

Should’ve, Could’ve, Would’ve Land

I have expressed my emotions and feelings in all sorts of ways in this blog for the past (almost) 2 years. I have shared my doubts, faithlessness, feelings of humanity, and spirituality. I have learned in the past two years that I have the right to feel what I feel; it has opened my eyes to see my feelings come to life and look at it so I can work with them to make me a better person. I could have dealt better with some feelings and encounters I have had with people, but I don’t regret doing it. I have learned from it. I am not sorry for feeling the way I have felt. I should have dealt with situations better, but Jesus makes me realize I fall short. He all makes us realize that we could have done better, but it happened for a reason. Despite what I humanly feel, I won’t dismiss it, because it is a real feeling, so I should address it in a spiritual and practical manner. We wouldn’t be in the place we are right now. I would not be in the place where I am right now.

I would’ve been better at tumbling, soccer, cheerleading, and gymnastics if I had practiced enough when I was younger. I would’ve been better at piano lessons if I practiced enough. I would’ve been better mentally and emotionally in high school if I dealt with my emotions in a better way. But I didn’t.

I should’ve been better with my grades if I studied more and made a better commitment to my college goals. I should’ve been better with my sleeping habits if I got 8-9 hours a sleep a night in college. I should’ve been better with my eating habits in college if I wasn’t so concerned with the way I looked and felt about myself. But I didn’t.

I could’ve been better at handling my emotions in disputes with relationships. I could’ve been a better friend if I wasn’t so mentally trapped with issues with my mental health. I could’ve been a better girlfriend if I wasn’t so caught up in my selfishness and tenacity to what I thought would last a long time. But I didn’t.

Since I have changed home churches, I have no regrets changing from my last one. Being at my new home church, Jesus has taught me that being in a should’ve, would’ve, could’ve land is okay, but I shouldn’t dwell in it. I loved my old church but the Lord was telling me to move on and grow somewhere else. Where I dwell, I will grow – in a church and in my future.

Some things you can’t help, but the outcome surely does change your perspective. We fall short of His glory, but His mercies are new every morning.

“the righteousness of God through faith in Jesus Christ for all who believe. For there is no distinction: for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, whom God put forward as a propitiation by his blood, to be received by faith. This was to show God’s righteousness, because in his divine forbearance he had passed over former sins. It was to show his righteousness at the present time, so that he might be just and the justifier of the one who has faith in Jesus.”

Romans 3:22-26

Love,

Annie

But, Health: Justice For Mental Health

Why are we taught to hold back the way we feel? Why are we taught to not talk about our issues regarding mental health? Why does it scare away people? It’s not an infectious disease. It’s just an issue people have. It’s a serious issue, not an insect. People seem to flick off the issue instead of actually talking about it. Why is it such a burden? Mental health seeps through every aspect of our lives: physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

He brought me out into a broad place; he rescued me because he delighted in me.  Psalm 18:19

Mental health and religion/spirituality probably has never been in the same sentence. Why can’t we talk about our emotions within our spirituality? It goes back to “People seem to flick off the issue instead of actually talking about it.”

With personal experience, I’ve met Jesus in my emotional breakdowns. I have collapsed to my knees in my deep pits of depression and anxiety. God was the one that told me to go to a professional therapist to deal with the deep suppressed feelings that I held back  in high school and in college. Mental health isn’t something to deal with lightly. I’m not saying this from my experiences, but it’s from observation.

I’ve seen not just celebrities deal with it but other people I’ve observed in my life as well. People do go crazy and insane, which some make actually are, but here is some truth: YOU ARE NOT ALONE. We live in the ages of thinking its okay to suppress feelings so we don’t have to deal with our demons. Oh yea, we are getting to the good part: demons. The demons inside us, control us. They control are fears, insecurities, disappointments, and emptiness.

With dealing with some mental health issues, I know that it’s not easy sharing all of the feelings deep down inside you heart and soul. When one doesn’t know what their feelings are, then they especially don’t want to share their unknown feeling(s). But you know, it’s okay. I know that sounds crazy, but at least you have it in the open and have some pressure off your soul.

Taking yourself is an act of stewardship. You are a finite resource and if you don’t pour into yourself, you will become depleted. “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.” Proverbs 4:23

Do your soul some justice and take care yourself.

Spirituality is a universal truth, yet a

highly individual journey. When we

begin an inward journey of self discovery,

we find that we are led back into the community and to

caring for others.

I began to understand my bleakest

times as times of fertile darkness.

When a person begins to live into

that darkness, embrace it and even

befriend it, God’s presence is often

revealed.

And when persons with a mental

illness are able to use their faith and

spirituality as a source of healing

and support, they discover a

renewed sense of vision, hope, and

possibilities for the future.

Rev. Susan Gregg-Schroeder

Really, I Am Fine

As I am reminded of the past year, I have gone through hell and back.

I have seen and felt multiple demons. Come and ask me; I have plenty of stories.

I had a suicidal thought in early January 2017.

I had the epiphany I did not love my ex-boyfriend. I loved the potential of him. I used him as an emotional crutch of what happened to me before I started dating him.

I rededicated my heart and soul to Jesus because I was not fully surrendered to him at all.

I realized that I had to pull away from the stage.

I have been rejected from an internship and was lied to from a previous job.

I admitted that I was a compulsive buyer and having problems with money.

I was not living my best life.

My Life Now:

I am comfortable with slapping a demon in the face because God has given me the courage to do so.

I did go back to therapy for a lot of reasons but especially for the thought. I honestly admitted it to myself a few months later since I was trying to justify it.

I have learned that my shoulder to cry on is Jesus because he is my boyfriend and best friend for eternity. My value, beauty, and potential are found in Him instead of a high school-college kind of love.

With my rededication, my obedience has become stronger. Every obedient step has become scarier but so worth it in the end.

With Lord Jesus telling me to do so, He said that I can’t sing on stage for 5 years. 

I am over the lies and rejection from those positions.

I am reading a Christian book that is helping me my money/finances to better myself for the future. 

Update on my romantic relationship with Jesus:

I’ve been dating Jesus for 7 months. I have been falling more in love with Him each and every single day. I am now on a date with him at McDonald’s because he wanted me all to himself since I was on a retreat. He actually told me to scoot over so He could sit beside me to write this blog.

This retreat I went to help me cope with the 5-year retirement (if you want to call that) from the stage. Of course, I cried multiple times there but he kept reminding me that HE IS STILL GOOD, GOOD for eternity.

Even if He is a God that takes things away, He is STILL good. He knows the reasons why I can not do the stage anymore. Starting on February 12, 2018, there will be no stage for me until February 12, 2023.

I’m still coping; I am fine. I REALLY am fine.

“The Lord is my strength and my song, and He has become my salvation.” Exodus 15:2

Peace and Blessings,

Love,

Annie

Road of Obedience

Of course, I’m on another date with Jesus. Today was just chill: Walmart and Subway. But I am not going to lie, I have been in pain today.  I’ve talked it out with him and he said as long as I eat healthy, the pain will eventually go away.

Throughout the week, there has been this one thought coming in my mind: BOYS, BOYS, BOYS. For some reason, guys have been on my mind frequently. Especially the good-looking guy I previously talked about in a previous blog.

I keep on asking Jesus to remove him and shield my eyes from the lust that my flesh is doing. My flesh wants to look at him constantly. But the Holy Spirit is helping me turn away from it. It is such a struggle but it will be worth it when I set my eyes on the right man I should date and marry.

I’ve been so stubborn about that subject and the fact that I can’t tell my parents about how God wants me to go to a particular seminary and also the time to go to that seminary. God did call me out that I was stubborn about my disobedience. Through Zechariah 7:11-14, He had definitely called me out for not doing what I should had done last week. I’ve been beating myself up this past week about it, but today I am calling my parents and telling them everything. Please pray for me.

Another thing you can be praying for me about is my physical health. My legs and knees are wearing out, I have had tingling in my arms and legs, chest pains, and my kidneys have been acting really weird. Of course, Jesus has said to me that I should be eating healthy so there is no more pain in my body. He was so serious that he said no junk food at all. Of course, this is going to be really hard.

Jesus has such a sense of humor. He calls me out yet again in Subway as I randomly flip to my favorite chapter in Lamentations.

“but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion according to the abundance of his steadfast love; for he does not afflict from his heart or grieve the children of men.” Lamentations 3:32. He’s still mad at me because of my disobedience, but He still has compassion and patience over me. The pain is only temporary, so all I have to do is obey the path He has for me.

“The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps.” Proverbs 16:9

Love, Annie

 

This article is so powerful. This is how we should perceive dating Jesus at all times.

https://www.theodysseyonline.com/how-god-dates

Looking Back ‘Cos He Provides

Today has been another grand date with Jesus. We went to Walmart, Chick-Fil-A, flea-market shopping (I only went to one cos he knows flea markets and thrift stores are my weakness; He keeps me accountable), and laundry. And now I am at Starbucks with Him as I am writing this blog. 

I’m going to be honest with yall and myself even though I do not want to. At the camp I work at, I think someone is really attractive. The reason I didn’t want to share it is because I don’t want to catch myself liking this dude. 

I don’t want to because I have realized at the laundry mat I’m still hurt for everything I’ve been through in the past year and a half. I was listening to a country song called “Legends” by Kelsea Ballerini. The lyrics, “we were crazy, tragic, and epic and so amazing. I’ll always wear the crown that you gave me. we will always stay lost in forever and they’ll remember we were legends”  and “like we were written down in permanent marker not even the brightest sun could ever fade; come whichever hell or high water, it was always me and you either way” left me thinking about the past relationship. We were both hurt in the worst ways. Before my rededication, I always questioned why we went through the things we did. 

Honestly, now, I see the questioned question marks I left on my life back then as answers that have been perfectly left in the pile to be untouched by me. It’s all been covered up by grace that Jesus has left me. 

“The silver is mine; the gold is mine, declares the LORD of hosts.” Haggai 2:8

This verse has become my favorite because silver and gold is precious in the eyes of my Lord God. I also see in the verse that he holds everything that he owns including my past and future. To be quite honest (again), I have been freaked out about financial decisions about what will happen to me after I graduate college. I want to apply for an internship in Colorado, want to go get seminary credits at the Kanakuk Institute, and go to seminary, eventually. It is a great amount to do within 16 months. I’m terrified that I can’t do it all because of money. I could start crying at Starbucks right now. Yall pray for me. 

I take a deep breath and let it go. It’s easier said than done. I still have a ways to go, but I have hope and will be calling on Jehovah-Jireh to make it through. 

With Love,  Annie 

Reveal:

Ladies, I love how Jesus is working through me in Missouri and through this blog. My name: Sarah Davis. I am in love with coffee, chicken and pancakes, golden retrievers, flea markets, thrift shops, traveling, and inspiring others daily through the wisdom and knowledge that Jesus gives me. 

 

 

Being In The Here And Now

There has been an unsettling in my heart lately. I think it has been the conviction of starting a blog for the longest time. Here I am writing to people I do not know. I am not going to lie: that terrifies me. Putting myself out there has never been my strong suit, but my walls are slowly coming down. I shared on my about page that I have come across many fake people in my life. This was the reason why I was never able to open up to people until I was about 19 years old. I am almost 22 years old, and I have been more open about what I struggle with and how I am overcoming the hard truth. 

Story time:  

I dated someone that gave me wisdom but also led to some depression in my life. Last April (2016), I was struggling with flashbacks of my suicidal past. The thoughts were not going away as he was driving me back to my dorm. He could tell that there was something wrong with me. He pulled over into the Humanities parking lot and told me he was not going to leave until I told him what was bothering me. I finally told him.  He proceeded to tell me, “Your past does not define who you are.”  

Present Day: 

Obviously, the phrase has been a stamp quote in my life. Back then, I was living in the past and in constant fear. I was not living in the here and now. That was the beginning of my walls coming down. It was the starting process of opening up to people. I have learned that my past nor future defines me. Being in the here and now provides new ways of seeing what I am capable of doing with my life. The present is what I want. It’s what we all should want.